Words and music ©1995
Written for the Newspaper Clipping Assigment of the New Tuners Musical Theatre Workshop, Chicago, IL
Let the Buyer Beware
Scanlon the scam artist says:
“Maybe you should try it, Your Honor. My service I mean. It’s called '1-900-LULLABY.' Great idea, huh? You have a hard day, still tense when you go to bed, can’t sleep. So you call me and my tape lulls you off and you find your dreams, huh? Just $3.00 a minute. Can I help it if 90% of my customers fall asleep before they can hang up the phone? I’m doing my job, right? Doing what they asked for.”
SCANLON: I say
Caveat emptor, I say
Let the buyer take care,
It’s a jungle out there,
What am I but a businessman who
Meets a certain demand?
Once you’ve shaken my hand,
I’m no sneak thief running in the night,
No wallet-snatcher vanishing from sight,
My principles are clear:
I’m just out to make a dollar,
Don’t get hot beneath the collar, ‘cause...
I am just a hard working man who
Has found a lucrative way
To let the other guy pay
If you want to hold on to all your
Precious family jewels,
Don’t entrust them to fools
And if each and every rube could have his day,
He’d surely turn the screw the other way.
It doesn’t seem quite fair,
Just because I got an angle
Everyone says, “Let him dangle!”
Well, you been down on your luck, you tell me
You got a wife and three kids,
And you been hittin the skids...
If you’re stupid enough to fall for
Any carrot I pick
At the end of a stick,
Don’t tell me I’m unkind
Just because some men are blind.
Let the buyer beware!