The Little Fish has fallen in love with a woman outside the tank, in a place he calls "There." He wants her to notice him. This is not the first time he has done this. The Big Fish—the chief fish in the tank— has been trying to convince him to leave well enough alone. We take you now to . . . a fish tank.

LITTLE FISH is floating upside down at the top of the tank. The lights have dimmed in the tank proper. Spots light this scene, with lights coming up as needed during the big number! BIG FISH enters.

​

Note some lyrics should be in ALL CAPS. Must get around to that some day.

BIG FISH

Whoa! Why'd it get so dark in here? I'll bet this has something to do with whatshisfish . . . where is he?

(He looks around, then up and sees LITTLE FISH, who is trying desperately to swim upside down, with little success.)

Whoa! Oh, just great! This place is going pollywog! What are you doing now?!

LITTLE FISH

It worked for that guy with the stripes yesterday. He swam belly-up for a while, then, Poof! He got carried up and away.
He got out of here! He got . . . There! Where she is. Lucky bass!

BIG FISH

He wasn’t swimming! He was . . . you know . . . dead. You're gonna drive me crazy! Get down here!

LITTLE FISH

I want her to understand what she means to me!

(The LITTLE FISH starts waving a piece of seaweed or the like)

Yoo-hoo!

BIG FISH

Holler all you want—nothing's gonna change, Friend! But what I’m saying is, why should you want it to? Open your eyes!

LITTLE FISH

They're always open. I don't have any eyelids . . .

BIG FISH

(Interrupting, as music starts)

Granted! Mean to say, why ya wanna mess around, make things worse? You gotta settle down and learn that
every clam has a silver lining!

(Aside)

It does, you know.

(During the song, as other fish enter, BIG FISH makes sure everyone is cheery - rearranging their faces if necessary. As the LITTLE FISH continues to be unmoved by the song, the BIG FISH becomes more agitated. He sings:)

Why be so crabby

And say life is shabby

When in reality,

Pal-ity,

You're in the swim?

Take it from me,

FISH CHORUS

Take it from him,

BIG FISH

Every little thing is fine!

You're always harping,

Complaining and carping,

But that mentality—

Vocality

Of your banality—

sure makes ya grim.

Take it from me,

FISH CHORUS

Take it from him,

BIG FISH

Every little thing is fine!

Why ya gotta swim upstream?

Why ya making waves whenever you got a dream?

Who told you you're a star (fish)?

It's time that you admitted who and where you are . . .

(Like a stand-up-comic crossed with W.C. Fields)

Ahh, friend, see, you don’t amount to a barnacle on my royal hiney. But I’m gonna give you some advice. Quit making those sad tadpole eyes and bringing everybody down. You've been pouting so long, you're face has frozen that way . . .

(Aside)

. . . though who can really tell?

(Sings)

When you're unhappy,

we're all feelin' crappy

our hospitality—

neutrality,

cordiality—

is sure growin’ slim.

Take it from me,

FISH CHORUS

Take it from him,

BIG FISH

Every little thing is fine!

(Here the Big Fish does a little soft-shoe dance, as he recites/chants)

Before you go and blow the blues

Just think of all the joys you’ve got to lose.

This place is a veritable paradise!

LITTLE FISH

But nearly daily some big dude

Comes up and says I look like big dude food.

Then he tries to eat me, and that's just not nice.

BIG FISH

Well sure, sometimes you'll be pursued

By some scum-sucker with an attitude . . .

So you lose a few scales! That's a small, small price.

(Sings)

Why ya gotta swim upstream?

Why ya gotta say things ain’t as good as they seem?

Why not be satisfied?

The algae's always greener on the other side . . .

​

FISH CHORUS

The algae's always greener on the other side . . .

​

(Rhythmic drumbeat dance starts. The BIG FISH gets more and more riled up.)

MEDIUM-SIZED FISH (Referring to BIG FISH)

Give him the hook!

(BIG FISH does violence upon the MEDIUM-SIZED FISH.)

BIG FISH or VARIOUS FISH

You're bringing us down, fish,

By being the clown, fish!

(Drums and key change)

This is the last straw, fish,

You're stuck in my craw, fish!

(Drums and key change)

You ain't where it's at, fish

So you better

(Music stops)

S’cat, fish!

(Music starts again. Drums, key change.)

BIG FISH

Why go through hell, fish?

You're being selfish.

Your stupid malady—

Irrationality,

Sentimentality—

Makes everything dim!

Why wail and whine?

LITTLE FISH

Whale?

BIG FISH

Why pail and pine?

Why not frolic in the brine?

LITTLE FISH

What brine?

FISH CHORUS

Cause every little thing is—

BIG FISH

(Forcing a smile)

Be happy like your king is—

BIG FISH AND OTHERS

Every little thing is fine!!

(Big finish! The Little Fish looks for a moment like he's listened. The others are frozen, watching expectantly.

Then LITTLE FISH turns to the glass and sighs deeply as he looks beyond the tank.

The BIG FISH throws down his hat and cane with a groan of disgust. Button.)